It's a fair question, I must admit, and an oft-asked one. The Fortress Of Hate has been bombarded with everything from alarmed emails to sumptuous bouquets of "Get Well Soon!" flowers.

Fear not, gentle readers. Everything is fine.

The prolonged absence is due to a home repair project gone bad. What was going to be a simple stripping of wallpaper has become a kafkaesque nightmare; a spiraling vortex of humiliation and despair that threatens to consume all I hold dear.

2 Dog Night? Swallowed whole by the project. Rhu Barb Pi? In hiding at an undisclosed location. And me? I spend my days praying for a death that so far eludes me; a death that would put an end to the steaming, scraping, sanding, skimming, shopping and sweating that have eroded my soul to a tattered rag.

"This Old House" is bullshit. The Home Depot is bullshit. HGTV is bullshit. Do-It-Yourself is a great big lie.